you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
