The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
