Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
