I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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