I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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