where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
