Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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