I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The best revenge is premature balding
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
