ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
