You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
