I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
