At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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