It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
