cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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