Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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