I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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