please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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