my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
