i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
