dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
