Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
did i walk over a car last night?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
