history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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