They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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