Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
