i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
