Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Randomize
