I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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