I just threw up on my dentist
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
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So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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