i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
