Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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