we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
