why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
