my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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