If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
