I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
