I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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