make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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