I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
