"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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