I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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