Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I died a long time ago.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
