Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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