I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
