Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
