Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
