I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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