When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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