wanna go halves on a baby?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
