in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
