Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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