Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
