1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
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I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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