sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He passed out mid-signature
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
