She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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