Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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