y did u give ur computer a hand job?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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